The Return of the Things Heard at Camp Bisco


In the simplest of all terms, this past weekend’s Camp Bisco was chock-full of magic. I had high expectations as I drove up Montage Mountain after an incredible experience last year, and to say those expectations were met would be a gross understatement. In our preview of the 14th Camp Bisco, we confidently stated the number one reason we return to Bisco year after year is because of the people. With this in mind, my plan for our post-festival coverage was to document and broadcast the raw, peerless humor that infests Montage Mountain each year for Camp Bisco. We did it last year, twice actually, and we couldn’t resist doing it again. The people I met at this year’s festival were goddamn hilarious. I borrowed my girlfriend’s waitressing notebook, stuffed it with a pen in my fanny pack, and assiduously wrote down my favorite one-liners I overheard while running around the festival grounds with my buddies like a pack of howling hyenas. In addition, we received some incredible support from the one-and-only Camp Bisco Fam (join the group here on Facebook), who populated a thread with the funniest shit they heard while at Camp. So without further adieu, grab a diaper, strap it on, and get ready to piss yourselves as you enjoy “The Return of the Things Heard at Camp Bisco.”

“We yodeling today bro?”

“You have coke, I have brownies. Let’s have a discussion.”

“Make America flat again!”

“When this drops, I want everyone to scream who’s bought illegal drugs this weekend!” – Space Jesus while performing at The Office Stage.

Collin? Where’s Collin?! Collin is the new Carl!!!” (click for the news article, snippet below)

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“Bro, how do you race a fuckin wagon uphill?”

“Does Jimmy John’s deliver to Camp O?”

“I’m sorry, I literally have no idea. Go ask that person over there with the purple shirt.” – said every staff member at Camp Bisco ever. Like, ever.

“It’s perfectly okay for a man to wear a dress, but it’s no okay for a man to wear a skirt.”

“I have DMT from Detroit, so it must be good.”

“Guys! I forgot my fuckin’ name, is it Melinda?!” … “No, Claire, it’s not Melinda.”

“I’m nasty at chess.”

“I don’t know who’s tripping harder, me or my fish!” – guy riding a blow-up Nemo in the wave pool.

“Is that coke on my face?! Oh shit, it’s just glitter.”

Guy in the RV lot smoking a bowl: “Damn man, I really wish we were smoking crack.”

The Disco Biscuits final set is suddenly cut out and a PSA announces over the loudspeakers, “Attention Camp Bisco, due to severe impending weather, we are cutting the music and requiring all concert attendees to immediately seek shelter. I repeat, seek shelter!” Spunion laying on the grass shoots up and screams, “FUCK! That ripped me out of my K-Hole!!”

“I’ll trade you a burger for a dime.”

Dude taps a guy on the shoulder and points at his hoodie: “I like the way you wear that drug rug. It’s like your own personal hippie cape.”

“Spare some change for a war vet??!!”

As GRiZ was melting faces at the pop-up RV lot, a head banger thrashing, laughing his ass off looks over to his thrashing friend and screams: “Don’t worry bro! It will all be over soon!!”

“Will anyone trade a cigarette for a Newport?”

Guy arrives to campsite at 3 AM. Friends ask “Dude! Where the fuck have you been all day?!” Guy spun out responds: “Bro, I thought my molly was laced but I just remembered I had two tabs of acid in my shoe. I’ve been tripping out all night! I’m so confused!!!??”

“Walking is like falling forward but catching yourself with your foot.”

“My buddy came up from underwater at the wave pool with a condom stuck his beard. It was on on his face.”

I (me the writer) jumped into the water during Dopapod, only to emerge with two lifeguards sprinting at me, whistling, and screaming at me to get out of the water saying: “Get out! Someone just shit in the wave pool.” I do not have tapeworm yet, but will keep you all updated.

“Do as I say. Do not do as I do, do. Fuck, I cannot form sentences on K right now.”

Girl spun running down the path between stages bumps into a guy and screams at him: “Hey! Watch where I’m going!”

“Man, there are some beautiful fuckin’ weirdos here.”

“I’ve got two words for you: Acid Zip-Line!”

“You guys catch that Nickleback downtempo set!?”

“I’ve got some bad advice for a dollar!”

“So you mean to tell me if I show you my tits, I get two free slices of bacon?”

“I’ll trade you a K Hole for a breakfast sandwich.”

“What do you use to cut wood? Sawwww duuudddeee!!”

“My Netflix ran out, looks like we’ll have to resort to some good old-fashioned cable and anal!”

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“How do you even count that high?” … “Come on dude, it’s only 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 tabs of acid.”

“What makes the rattle noise on a rattlesnake?”

“Got all these pokewooks trying to catch ’em all!”

“I’ll suck on that festy toe.”

“If you’ve ever been lost in a black hole before, scream! Now, grab that person in the crowd who got you out of that hole. When this beat drops, bounce and celebrate with your black hole friends!” – Space Jesus.

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So there you have it, boys and girls. Part 1 of “The Return of the Things Heard at Camp Bisco.” I really had a blast collecting one-liners and preparing this article, and hope you enjoyed it. If you heard something at Camp Bisco that you think deserves to be on Part 2, please drop a line in the comments section of this article, or join the Camp Bisco Fam on Facebook to leave a comment. To make sure you don’t miss the second edition, make sure to follow us on Facebook and Twitter!

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  1. K. 19 July, 2016 at 22:57 Reply

    “If this is all the room they will give me. Then this is all the room I will take”- girl living in her hula hoop.

  2. Jamie 20 July, 2016 at 13:08 Reply

    From two guys who dressed as pirates the first day and never changed:
    “What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?”

  3. Jamie 20 July, 2016 at 13:09 Reply

    “Why do you have so many pockets?”
    “Because I’m Pockets McKinsy!”
    “That’s not your name”

  4. Mike 21 July, 2016 at 15:20 Reply

    Dude walks up to free bacon for boobs sign and flashes his chest. Guy at counter says “That’s not how it works buddy, you’d have to show your dick”

    Dude whips his dick out and collects free bacon.

    Walking away “Easiest bacon I’ve ever gotten”

    What’s the hardest thing you’ve done for bacon?

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