The Things Heard at Bisco: Episode III – Revenge of the Wooks

Camp Bisco

Approximately one week ago today, the first notes of the 15th Camp Bisco were played over the slopes of Scranton, Pennsylvania. To celebrate the one-week anniversary of a weekend jam-packed with unshaggable memories, I thought it would be fitting to remind each and every one of you maniacs of all the outrageous shit you said during your stay at Montage Mountain.

One thing I’ve noticed at each Camp Bisco I’ve attended is it’s almost impossible to fully concentrate on the world-class music performed on stage with all the ridiculous chatter and antics littering my peripheral vision and hearing. Plain and simple, I’ve never been to a festival with a more maniacal, shameless, and hilarious audience. Next to the music, you guys are the reason I return to Camp Bisco year after year.

Camp is truly a judgement free zone. If you ever feel uncomfortable wearing a ridiculous neon outfit with a hat weighed down by forty metal pins, just remember somewhere on the mountain, there’s a guy with a dildo strapped to his head like an antennae. If you ever for a second think you’ll be judged for wearing a scarf in 95-degree weather, just remember there’s a guy dripping in mud from head-to-toe after doing the inch-worm on the slippery slopes of Electric City. If you ever for even a moment think you’re the most fucked up person at Camp Bisco, just remember there’s a guy out there who’s 20 doses deep, lost his shoes, lost his friends, and has whiskers painted on his face.

We’ve really done a remarkable job creating a festival environment that accepts everyone and anything, and in turn Camp Bisco has transformed itself into the ultimate incubator for priceless one-liners. So as they say, words are ephemeral but writing is timeless. Without further ado, I welcome you to “The Things Heard at Bisco Episode III: Revenge of the Wooks.

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“Is that a bloody tamp-on in the lazy river?!”

“You had me at copious amounts.”

“This shuttle line isn’t so bad!”

“Anyone want to trade a Newport for a cigarette?!”

“I hate to break it to you man, but sometimes you just have to poop.”

Guy kneeling on the side of a dirty pathway with an empty Dunkin Donuts cup: “Spare change for a vet?”

Woken up at 9am somewhere in Camp X: “Come and get it, Special K – the breakfast of champions!”

Crew scuffling to the main stage with cone party hats on: “Come celebrate Linda’s birthday with us, she’s a slut!”

Guy sitting at his camp with a loudspeaker: “God hates the wooks!”

Guy looks up and points to the musicians on stage: “Hey man, I’d let him finger my wife.”

Wook #1: “What if horses had teeth” Wook #2: “Mike, horses do have teeth.”

“I didn’t even know you could boof nitrous.”

“It felt like a sex hug.”

“My sweat actually tastes like drugs!”

“Did you see that guy who got a blowjob on the ski lift?”

“It’s not drugs man, it’s Bisco.”

“The Disco Biscuits are actually pretty good!”

“I don’t care, I’ll piss all over my feet if I have to!”

“Wait did that mannequin just pee in the pool?!”

“I’m just a grown man in an animal onesie, I don’t understand what weird is!”

“I’ve got bath salts and Plan B on the low. I mean really, no combo can beat that.”

“I went to go buy some weed, came back, and my tent and whole campsite was gone.”

“Hey dude, do you know where I can find something that can hold something?”

Wook A to Wook B: “Hey brother, can you bless my beer please?”

Vendor to patron: “Go ahead and bend over so I can swipe your card.”

Wook #1: “Yo that was Jeremy from Pigeons!” Wook #2: “O really, I just thought it was another wook.”

“I love the smell of fresh cocaine in the morning.”

Uber driver on night one: “Oh yea. I know the Econo Lodge. That’s where I take all the hookers. In fact I dropped a few off tonight.”

“If you don’t eat ass on the first date did you really go on a date?”

“Dude I peed on the floor of the pit during Bassnectar.”

“A lil muddy, but don’t be silly, I’m still gonna send it!”

Wook gets caught on camera key bumping. Picture is immediately posted on Colorado Big Game Wook Hunters. Wook First Friend: “I wouldn’t recommend running for office anytime soon.” Wook’s Second Friend: “Yeah man, you’re officially in the matrix.”

“I’d suck his dick for a story.”

“That wasn’t very ‘Bisco’ of you.”

“I don’t need K, I just really like to have it.”

“You must be dedicated to drugs if you make it to the Renegade Stage.”

“Why does everyone bring random fruit to festivals? That girl has a freaking cantaloupe.”

Marc Brownstein introducing their cameraman during the final photo of the weekend. “Hey everyone, this is Andrew Blackstein, our photographer. He just got off parole.” 
**editor’s note. Andrew is not in and never has been in any legal trouble. Marc & Andrew were having a playful, inside joke during Camp Bisco about the photographer “being on probation” from shooting The Disco Biscuits**

Girl asks for a drag of a cigarette. Wook with cigarette yells out: “This is Sami, she’s our crew’s drag queen!”

“D-D-D-DJ butt stufffff sliding in your back door!”

“Does ketamine have calories?”

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“Is ketamine vegan?”

Wook #1: “Hey look! A butterfly! You know what that means?” Wook #2: “No, what?” Wook #1: “Show me your butthole.”

Tripping wook: “THERES SOMETHING IN MY EYEEEEEE!” **proceeds to lobster claw contact out of eye and chuck said contact lens**

“I feel like Bear Grylls selling mushrooms right now.”

Wook #1: “Yo you want some garlic powder for your burger?” Wook #2: “We have garlic powder?” Wook #1: *laughs* “Nah, it’s just DMT.”

“Has ANYONE seen my composure?”

Camp around 4am. Wook #1: “Are those Cheese-Its?! I will buy those for $5!!” Wook #2: “Sure, come to me!” Wook #1: “Nah I’m too K rocked and cant walk, come find me!”

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“I’ll squirt right into you! I’m a whore, my doctor even said so!”

“Ugh the porta potty’s so full my shit just splashed up onto my ass.”

“I am just going to say the mud is great for your skin. Mine hasn’t been this soft since birth.”

Wook #1 is dragging a heavy wagon uphill to its campsite. Wook #2 yells: “Hey you look like you’re struggling there, let me ask you, are you happy with your internet provider?”

“When you’re tripping too hard, just listen to a few minutes of Bob Ross to calm down.”

“Didn’t you know that fruits are the crystals of fests? They align your chakras. The cantaloupe is the love chakra, because if it’s not aligned then you cant-elope.”

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“You don’t need xanax – you just need 30 minutes of Bob Ross.”

“2 at a time in the urinals guys, your all manly men.”

“I just spent a half hour listening to two girls talk about how pashminas get all the bitches.”

“Don’t watch the tree people fuck. They’ll give you a black eye.”

Wook does a bump of powdered sugar off of a funnel cake: “God I fucking love funnel K.”

“That kids gonna be a great adult one day.”

“Spunnelcake.”

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Around 4am Sunday at the Renegade Stage, the wubby bass music cut out for a few seconds. Wook #1: “Wait there was music playing?”

“Bathing in the waters of Lake Minna-Bisco.”

“Dude I don’t think he wants to see your butthole.”

 “Trading fire Pho for xanax!”

Buck steps on doe’s toes. Buck apologizes. Doe: “I don’t even think those toes are mine.”

“What’s a wook?”

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About author

Sam Hutchinson

Sam Hutchinson, aka "Hutch," is the original founder of Sound-Fix.com, which launched in early 2015 from the ashes of his previous publication, paradisebeats.com. For the past 6 years, Hutch has developed and grown Sound Fix with a group of friends and contributors to where it is today. He's currently enrolled in Berklee College of Music's Master's Certification program, and majored in Writing at Hamilton College, the birthplace of Sound Fix. Feel free to message Hutch at sam@sound-fix.com with any requests, questions, or samples pieces!